Life Update: Q1

There is no time in my life where what is doing you is doing me. - Faith Nwani, 2022.

Part I: New Year's Eve

I told you the first time we met that I wrote my New Year’s Resolution in a hurry. I was trying to fit my life expectations into six sections. I admit that my reluctance to do that beforehand was spurred on by the fact that I knew I wasn't going to be worshipping in my church. Because it's a monumental event, you push through your prejudices, which really, is snobbery, and you feel things. You know in that way where you don't want to be but have to be because not to be wouldn't be?

Picture this: A girl is reserved in her thanksgiving and when the countdown begins, she's jumping and yelling frantically. It doesn’t matter because everyone is doing the same; venting out their hopes and dreams, their pain, their stress, their faith, But na only me know wetin dey do me.

The thing is, I needed a change. I needed something to break in 2024, and I felt (still feel) strongly that there was something special about 2024. I just had to position myself to receive it. I jumped, yelled, cried, and most of all, I prayed. Oh, how I prayed. I prayed because for a while in December, I had been struggling with breathing properly. A doctor I consulted said it was because I had gained extra pounds, and it was putting pressure on my lungs. His solution was to exercise. 2024 found me at the gym and checking in on the Apple fitness tracker. But before the new year, I was struggling to breathe properly, and although I didn't panic, there were days when I felt fear. I imagined all sorts of scenarios and would go to sleep only after making declarations that I must wake up the next day. I believe in the power of the tongue. Where fear speaks, God's word upon my tongue speaks louder. If you're wondering, I breathe properly now.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1... I asked God for one thing. A word for 2024. Something to carry me through. As I jumped, half breathless, always persistent, I kept imagining all the words he would give me. In 2024, get millions! I will give you nations! I will bless you like Abraham! Buoyed by my imagination, I cried louder! Send that word that would change my life this year, Lord! You see me, You know I've tried, send it! Move me, shift me. Give me nations! I will be published this year! And then it came, with a clarity and peace I associate with God speaking to me… I will keep your feet from stumbling. That stopped me in my tracks.

With all due respect, as how?

Part II: Youths Obey the Clarion Call

I spent the first two weeks of January in physical pain. If it wasn’t cramps, it was the new hairstyle I made to resume at my new workplace. The following week went well, and the weeks after that. To be honest, January went by in a blur. I know I enjoyed where I was at, I said Thank you, Jesus, often, I tried to dwell in the present, and I wrote to you once a week. I told you that my goal for 2024 was to work harder-smarter. I was trying to position myself, to prepare, so that when the big thing—and who knows what form that would take—comes, I would be ready. Although it was exhausting work, the joy was there.

February was salient. I had to make decisions, and they all had a timeline. February was also the month of love. I thoroughly enjoyed the bants online. I would see people on the streets of Lagos and wonder if they had a significant other. It was here that I wrote A Conductor’s Love. Valentine's Day passed quickly, and NYSC came. In my timeline, I realized that I had to apply for NYSC so I could meet up with my plans for next year. I felt like crap during that period before, during, and after NYSC. I mostly cried, I worried, and I held on to the certainty that I was where God wanted me to be, and I was willing to fight for it.

My direct posting failed. The morning I discovered I got Akwa Ibom, I felt indifferent. I had known it was going to be the south-south. Although I had hoped for Port Harcourt, Akwa-Ibom wasn't bad. It was Uyo, T and E were in Uyo.

My workplace was gracious enough to give me a few weeks off to serve my country, trusting that I would return. When I told (redacted) I was posted to AK, I heard things like it was God's will. I heard that my future husband was there. I heard that if I didn't move to Ak, I might be missing out on God's will for my life. I was perplexed because I could have bet my life that my job, my location was where God wanted me to be. How would God want me to uproot what he has only just given me?

In February, I packed light, and by 6:30 was in an Uber speeding along Ikeja to the bus park. Orientation camp was what you would expect when you bring a bunch of young adults from different upbringings together; Lust, tribalism, corruption, fights, anger, and if you were lucky, good friendships. When it was time to leave in March, I ran to Lagos hoping that I wouldn't have to return. The jury is out on that, but I feel more peace than when I started, and I want to share a conversation I had with my Supe that came at the precise time I needed it. (It's been so long, these might not be the exact words but the same message.)

S: You know we'd have to let you go if you end up going to Uyo, but that's not a big deal. You can always see about returning after a year.

F: I know, but I feel like I only just started to get my shit together. Like I’m finally in a good place in my career, and I have to leave like that.

S: How old are you?

F: 24

S: (chuckles) You’re still young, there's still so much to experience and do. This is not the end of your career. What if you find a job at Penguin Random, and it's completely remote?

F: (Begins to shake head) I want (redacted), I want this, these things I'm learning, this opportunity I'm being given. I have GRWM plans.

S: I’m not saying you have to leave. I hope the relocation works out fine, but if it doesn't, it's not the end of your career. Take this as another opportunity to experience something different. I know you think that you're gathering momentum now, and that's great, but know that there will be doors that'll open that you didn't even think or plan for as long as you trust God. Let me tell you about my roommate.

I will keep your feet from stumbling.

Part III: The Lord is risen, and so has my cheeks.

I've learned that as much as I love rest, solitude, and books, I also love holidays. I like being around family, I like the preparedness that comes with the meals, I like the noise, the emotions, the music, the hunger because food isn't ready by 3 pm. And Easter happens to be one of my favourite holidays.

This Easter was a full-circle moment for me. I spent it in Ikorodu. The last time I was in Ikorodu and its environs was in 2017. Everything and nothing was how I remembered. The school where Gloria and I had private lessons was now abandoned, and Church Street leading to my Mum’s shop felt different, almost unfriendly. The Coca-Cola bus stop at Ajegunle that sold an array of fried meals in the evenings was gone. St. Augustine Catholic church needed maintenance, Agric bus stop was still overcrowded, Ikorodu garage remained the same, and when did Bokku! mart come to Ikorodu? Where did these new eateries come from? And that was when I saw my old home.

I remember not recognising these areas.

I used to imagine that when I became successful, I would visit my old homes, feel the person I used to be, and compare them to who I am now. But when I drove past my old home with tears in my eyes, I felt gratitude. A scripture about not remembering the former things but beholding the new things came to mind. Because at that moment, I realised that of course, I didn't miss that girl. Of course, I wouldn't want to go back to being her. And I can see how God kept me. I can look at my past but not dwell on it.

I used to have heart palpitations whenever I approached this gate.

I also visited my former school, and this is where I think life is funny. It was a few weeks ago that I told you about my old school, and it's Easter, and I'm back here, and it felt like God was saying to me; Look at all the things I brought you out from, can you not trust where you're heading? I fell on my knees and tore my clothes in front of Lagos State Model College, Igbokuta, Ikorodu.

I will keep your feet from stumbling.

Part IV: Where are we now?

I feel a lot of peace direction-wise now. I still feel in my bones that 2024 is special and it'll reveal itself, but I don't feel pressure. I feel steady. I'm willing to be where God wants me to be, so don't be surprised if I write to you from Akwa Ibom next week or UK next month. I've also been learning and unlearning a lot of things. One thing I'm thankful for is that I'm quite teachable. I like to keep an open mind, and I'm always willing to know how my life can improve.

I'm learning that there are places in my life where God is not as welcomed as I thought he was. I'm learning that although I give some leeway when I have a plan in my head, I want it to happen exactly how I picture it. And maybe it's because I refuse to leave my happiness in someone else’s hands, or I don't trust people to deliver. I need to let go of the reins sometimes, but I shouldn't do that to God. I'm a perfectionist in my mind but a chaotic procrastinator in real life. Either way, I'm learning slowly to let go of the reins. I'm also learning that although I've had this goal regarding relationships; There are things I want to achieve, a thriving career, money (because I like to randomly spoil the people I love, and I hate that I never have enough immediately to do that or I have to save for a while which duh), flat belly. Which are valid. I want to be in a good place before I call anyone Baby or whatever relationship people say these days.

Praise interviewed Simi for ModaCulture and this statement encapsulates what I think about relationships

I've been pretty unstable for a while, but I've been learning that sometimes, there's beauty in growing together. I don't have to figure it all out, and then he'll come. What if his arrival will help me get there? And to be honest, I see it now. I imagine running my to-do list by him, I imagine the accountability, the intentionality to our goals, the covering in prayer, the friendship I can rely on, the places we would explore, the many laughs we would share, and the peace. I'm still far from where I want to be in my head, but I cannot be the one to determine when I’m ready, so yeah, let's see how it goes.

I will keep your feet from stumbling.

Recommendations:

You Can Rest Here podcast: I watched three episodes at a stretch and the way it opened my mind and blessed me. Highly recommend.

Music: Emperor of the Universe by Dunsin Oyekan and Theophilus Sunday. I've seen a steady progression in my life spiritually and just how I view God now. I see him in my writings, my characters, my laughter, my reading, my words (I've been using more words of gratitude in places I'd have complained and the positive effect it’s been having on my countenance. Whew!)

Movie: I’ve been binging on sitcoms and I found The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. It's not a sitcom, it's a comedy series that has my heart at the moment. You know you're getting old when you see a movie and you start noting down moral lessons from it. Damn!

Book: I’m currently reading If Beale Street Could Talk by James Baldwin. He uses such clear but profound language that hits you on the head. Everything about it is good.

I think that would be all. If you've read it to this point, thank you.

I hope you have a great weekend