I will see you next week.
I have to go but…
It is 1:25 am.
I am woken from sleep by the smell of boiled meat. My eyes struggle to see this meat, common sense kicking in as they do. I know the instant my eyes opens that there is no meat. It is not possible for anyone to be boiling meat at this time.
But it is too late. I'm not the sort to fall asleep without ceremony: my body waits to relax, my mind waits for everything else to align.
This is painful for me because I have to be ready in time for the first service at 7 am.
I chose this time because it affords me the most flexibility to complete tasks for the day, and it was the prayer service. I need prayers.
So I decide to write to you instead.
I came to tell you that I won't be writing this week, that I will see you next week.
But before I go, I will tell you that the rubbish Odumodu did in Olufunmi Reimagined grated on my nerves so badly I almost cried. Styl Plus did not finesse storytelling for a man who never stops daggering people to make a mockery of them.
I will tell you that the last time I said I was overwhelmed, I meant something different. And now, when I tell you that I'm overwhelmed, it means something different. I didn't realise it was possible to be overwhelmed in different ways. Each of them badly. Each of them heart-wrenching.
I will say see you next week, but you must know it is likely that you will be getting the version of me not feeling great. I’m tempted to fake it, to cover up with exegesis of music lyrics, but every song I listen to now is either designed to pump hope into me or give me the freedom to wallow in my feelings.
I will add that I attended my first book reading and signing (Supe was shocked to discover it was my first) and I was the moderator. It meant something to me that the author told me later that he enjoyed our session and that I should do this more. He also followed me on Twitter. Wiuuunnn!
I will explain that my headaches have been incessant and punishing, and my emotions are a cornucopia of anger, pain, indifference, numbness, and disbelief. What do you do when your hope is unfounded? Who do you direct your anger at? I have an inkling and I plan to meet him in Anthony at 7 am today.
But I am reminded that it was only four weeks ago when I was high on Commonwealth prizes, when I smiled to sleep cuddling my dreams, when I wrote to you about songs, dreams, and plans that I had. I was content, mostly happy, and it showed. If there’s one thing I have learned, it is that if it happened before, it can happen again.
So, I am loud about my numbness, so I can be loud about my joy.
This part is random:
I once read (from Jodi Picoult) that the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference.
I thought long and hard about it, did a bit of research, and realised it was true.
I wish God gave everyone a name tag on their forehead for their spouse, so when you reach the age of 21, your spouse gets a beep signifying a match with their name, and then you find each other and pick a time to marry.
There are certain content that I've been consuming lately and I just enjoy. It just makes so much sense in my head and I never know how to put these things I enjoy into words. I’m a “just watch it yourself” person.
YouTube is somehow just better at midnight.
Recommendations:
How to Make a Space Masquerade by Mazi Nwonwu - My first speculative fiction. I assure you that it's worth it.
My playlist this week is chaotic.
I'm still watching The Office. I saw JAPA on Prime, which I thought wasn’t bad. If you've seen Naked (2017) starring Regina Hall and Marlon Wayans, you will find it interesting.
Things I look forward to:
Hallelujah Challenge documentary premiering on Youtube in June.
I Go Nowhere by Dwin, the Stoic to be released in June. I heard the song during his show in December. It’s such a good song and I can’t wait for it to be released.
Birthdays. June is the month that heralds some of my favourite people in the world. I shall spare no expense. ( It’s the intention that matters)
More music from Pst Iren.
I look forward to meeting old friends and acquaintances I thought I’d not see (again).
Reading without guilt. Just spending all day digesting a book.
Yeah. That's it.
I have to go, but then you know, I will see you next week.