I am Taking a Break

I will tell you why.

Jun 30, 2024

Hey,

How do you do?

Do you know the correct response to ‘‘How do you do?’’ is also to say ‘‘How do you do?’’ and then both say ‘‘Fine.’’

I think that’s pretty cool.

I have been trying to write to you for three weeks now. From the first Oprah writing pass, I contemplated doing this. Why? Because I am losing touch with who I am. Oh. I want to explain, I want to tell you every gory detail, pull apart my emotions, and lay them bare but I don’t know how. It is ironic because I pursue a career that deals with words but I don’t have the language for this. I only know what I am feeling, what I have been feeling since June.

This week, you were supposed to get a storyline review of Dwin, the Stoic’s I Go Nowhere. I wrote a love story that reflected my current heart’s posture towards love, you would see that I have become a romantic, I no longer cringe alot at love scenes, romantic love seems closer to me than before but for some reason, I couldn’t finish. If I sent it to you, I would be pretending. I have been pretending all these weeks and one day you’ll know I’m pretending.

Joy from Inside Out is my favourite person cuz she reminds me of myself. Always the fixer.

In previous issues, when I told you that I felt like 2024 was going to be a monumental year for me, something special, I didn’t envisage these parts. The incessant headaches, the use of sleep as an escape, the crave for solidity, I did not see myself crying alone at the back of a keke napep so much so that I began to look forward to it; the wind on my face, my voice breaking under the weight of my emotions, picturing myself in a movie scene as I cry(Because if you don’t imagine yourself in a movie, are you really sad though?). Put quite simply, I am fatigued.

I did not foresee that my day dreaming would be less frequent and that reality would kick in abruptly. If this were a movie, this is the part where the MC reaches bottom barrel but the funny thing is, with life, you could have more than one occasion of bottom barrel. I do not know how to feel better, If I did, I would have done so. I only know how to leave, how to burrow into myself and return when I feel better. But burrowing has taken on a new shape, I have been challenged by loved ones who remind me that I am not alone. I find myself spilling bits and pieces into them and I find that it’s not a bad thing to have people who are aware of the shifts you are going through. For them, I am grateful.

I have to leave. I don’t know how long I’ll take or when I’ll return. I only know that I am tired of using Oprah as an excuse. I want to learn the new me, I want to adjust to her skin, I want to know what it is about this season that I’m supposed to be learning, and I want to be okay. More than okay.

When the thought of me crosses your mind, I ask that you whisper a prayer for me if it’s not too much trouble. I promise you, I am fine. It’s just something…

I was looking for my shadow and found it.

PS: If I finish the music review and I’m feeling up to it, I’ll publish it. No promises though.

PSS: I slept off after writing this and I feel way better than I began. I realise that my words sound gloomy but I am fine. I assure you. Also, it’s the end of the first half of the year, I am going to spend the day listing 20 things I’m grateful for. I am still as excited about 2024 as I was on the 31st night. I know that Everything good will come. But for now, let me reboot.

Daalu. Until we meet again.