Faith Looks in the Mirror

I answered my prompt.

A man looks in the mirror and sees his present before him…

Do you know what my biggest tussle with God is? Disgruntled comparison."Why is my case like this? Can't He see X, Y, Z? Why couldn't I have it like that?" You know what He tells me: "Everything that I have experienced is what makes me me. It is this me He wants to give to the world." Everything is great for a week, and then I hit a stumbling block and ask Him again, "Why did You do me like this? Why can't it be like X, Y, Z?"

Sighs.

Recently, I have been learning about Joy. I have always had Joy as a fruit, but this time, I am learning about Joy as an action, as a decision of Faith. That is, when the Bible says, "those that reap in joy," it is a posture before the harvest; it is seeing the harvest that makes your joy full. This clip from Lawrence Oyor gives details.

As a confirmation, this post from Nicole Asinugo was timely.

And during service today, when the Pastor encouraged us to be joyful in this new season, I knew I was getting something. It is not the end goal that brings joy alone; joy is also the process. Joy is an act of faith. You can choose joy. I have been feeling a bit melancholic - it's weird because I am gassed up for Q4, so this is timely. I have also been feeling incredible gratitude, I look at my life and it’s without a doubt that I have never been alone. Most importantly, I am learning to rest. I am resting in God about everything that concerns me. It's freeing.

He looks behind to his past...

I remember events in flashes.

2012.

There is a visitor in the house; this is before Ebube. He is a prophet from St Augustine. The man sees a lot and is here to tell the family's spiritual problems. People like him come and go; there was the prophetess who slapped Botiya to chastise her in the spirit(One of the funniest stories in the family), and the same lady predicted I would be married before 23. I spent the night crying and begging God not to allow me to marry before 23. I was 17 at the time. But this prophet man, who sees a lot, was in the house, and I was woken from sleep so he could see into me. It was he who turned to my mother after seeing me with his spiritual eyes and told her I had the spirit of distraction. It's been years, but I can still hear him. By then, I had started to battle with my mind. For as long as I can remember, I have thought a lot. My mind is never still. I think about everything: shameful, dirty, holy, righteous, funny - all of it. I think about it all. But this man, who didn't know me, took one look at me and gave me a diagnosis. I would grow up meditating on that word. I blame it for whatever symptoms of ADHD I exhibited.

2014

I am writing in my jotters turned diaries - lyrics to Lil Wayne’s album, My Crush on a Senior. I have learned that writing helps. I write about demons, my relentless sadness, and my need for solitude. I didn't stop writing until I tasted real romantic love for the first time in 2017.

At that time, she gets a distraction from the void in her chest, but it doesn't last. And although outwardly it's his fault, she knows secretly it is also hers. No one can fill that void. She falls in love again. This one holds her, fills her; the more she knows this one, the more she knows herself - who she's supposed to be, who she is now. She is writing again. But it's not about demons or lyrics; there is healing in every stroke. She writes a lot about this love - how she doesn't deserve it, how she fails it - but this love is persistent, this love understands, this love teaches her to die to herself daily. Dying is painful.

One day, this love offers her a future: silence in her head, beauty for ashes, one her mind will not disrupt, her hands will not spoil, one that permits her to live in the moment, to be still. She takes it. She doesn't hear when he tells her it won't be easy but she perseveres. Every day, she wakes up, she chooses him again; she chooses this future he offers her.

He looks to himself to see his future. What does he see?

I have been using FutureMe to send letters to my future since 2020.

She is blank. Not because the future looks bleak, but because she has tried many times to create her future and failed. She only wants to be where he wants her to be, doing what he wants her to do, whatever form or shape it takes. Nothing else matters. Nothing. Everything else will fade; only He will remain. Every day since then, she fights the overwhelming need to disappear. She admires Helen Oyeyemi, Chimamanda Adichie, Lesley Nneka Arimah, Genevieve Nnaji, etc. Not just for their creative prowess but because they have mastered the art of disappearing in a world that would pause for them when they decide to return. That is why she is relentless now so that she can disappear.

Alright, CUT!!!

CUT THIS DAMN THING!

This is too melancholic for my liking. I was thinking, and a book I was reading spurred this thought: What is the end goal for you? What are the things you'd achieve or places you'd be and think... Yes. I finally made it.

You know, like when people say they have to eat spaghetti in Italy; I used to think my own was lying on a beach, reading in a country where nobody knows I am a superstar, with an Italian chef at home, I ride a bicycle around town and go dancing and performing bad standup comedy in the evenings at the local club. It always felt peaceful in my mind... But lately, I have been thinking, "After that, what next?" It all seems meaningless. It's like, after becoming President of a country, what else do you want to achieve?

Why is this giving existential crisis? But I am reading a book, "Anxious People" by Fredrik Backman, about unhappy people who go through the motions of life, not knowing what to do with themselves; they have partners, so it's not that. It's something. I like books like this because I want to be a writer who writes about silence, the things people feel but don't say, the decisions we make but never admit, all the ways we are good and yet... not.

Alright, let me stop now. I have not achieved anything on my life’s to-do list yet to be thinking these thoughts. When I return to this post in 2-5 years, I will let you know if I still feel the same way.

I love Q4s, so I hope you have a fantastic one!