Do You Have A List?

On negotiables and non-negotiables

I have to come clean.

Relationship talks amuse me and lately, from October being my church’s relationship month, my uncle’s heart-to-heart conversation about my marital future to a relationship seminar that I recently listened to, I have been amused.

But is it something to be amused about, though? There is so much conversation about love - what it should be, and what it shouldn't. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying this is wrong. It is necessary. If we are created to form connections, and if love is our highest form, then it makes sense. We want love - the real thing, not simply the aesthetic (even if we must take pictures and create memories). We want kindness in conflict, to be chosen in doubt, safety in risk, faith in leaps, and rest. We want to rest in someone and know that we are safe - in heart, mind, body, and soul.

I was having a conversation with a friend who recently found her person. Although I can't remember the exact reason, our discussion turned to kindness. I've never hidden how important kindness is to me - not niceness, kindness. I even have a joke that one way to identify my partner would be by the unfailing quality of kindness in his eyes.

Our conversation reminded me of the time I made a list. After hearing the guest speaker at the seminar discussing "negotiables" and "non-negotiables" in relationships, I decided to write about this topic. According to him, when determining what to look for in a partner, one should check negotiable and non-negotiable qualities.

Negotiables may include things like height, skin colour, or dress sense. Non-negotiables should be good character, shared values, commitment…Of course, this list varies from person to person.

I don’t have statistics or anything but I can bet the most watched content on the internet is on love, especially things like “How to know if they are the one.” “What to do when you meet the one.” “How to position for the one.” "How God Told Me My Partner Was the One." "How God Wrote My Love Story."

The thing is, people want to know; they want to minimize risk as much as possible. They want assurance that there's someone else to be accountable for their relationship. Isn't it comforting? Going through conflict and referring to God, because, after all, He's the one who said... who showed...who brought…

Think of the password with God trend; It's when you tell God something and the man/woman you are supposed to be with does it. Some people have a knowing, some have a list, some have passwords, and some have Ciara’s prayers.

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Here Is What I Believe:

I believe that a good list helps with standards.

I believe in the knowing

I believe that God can choose with and for you.

I believe in seeking counsel. In prayers. In lists. In character. In action. In wisdom. In communication. In shared values. In thunder strikes and most importantly, I believe that it’s not enough to get all the signs and confirmation you want, you will do the work.

I know divorced couples who God brought together with confirmations that left. They are good, still doing purpose, with different people.

A successful relationship is not one where God brought together, a successful relationship is the one where two people put in the work. I believe in work.

I have a list though (My goal is a list and thunder strike) and I believe my God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, and above all, I can ask, think, or imagine. To give me what I need.

PS: I will tell you what’s on my list if you tell me yours.

Recommendations

JUBA by Anendlessocean

WHAT A BOP!

Lovers(me) are up! Master of Ballads by Dwin, the Stoic is out.

I hate that this is true.

I like that Dwin sings the kind of songs you want to share with someone special, knowing you are single, but it breaks you so much you have to share it. You want to sing Beside Me, Steady to Someone, your heart races to Running, you cry to Next Time, you imagine racing against traffic from mainland to island to meet the love of your life in I Go Nowhere, Cuddle to Hold Me Now, Night rides to GKW, Professing love in the rain to Swan Song as you both cry, you sip palm wine and isi ewu in a beer palour, Igbo men and women seated around you speaking the lingo, bottles of Guinness, Star Radler, the scent of Pepper soup, Nkwobi around them. You, Obiageli, abandon your isi ewu, and head for the dance floor, shaking your waist to Time Is Money which comes on after Chief Oliver De Coque. Your partner, Chinonso, Emeka, or Obinna, who owns containers on the high seas and calls you Mommy, sprays money and is just happy to watch you exist.

Falls on my knees and tears cloth in anguish at the imaginary lives I want to live.

All of this is happening in your head for someone you probably haven’t met, and yet you feel all the things as though they were already here.

It is well.

Hallelujah challenge is tomorrow. I told you October was going to be good.

See you next week.